Swimwear Nightmare

I have spent the last hour or so perusing swimwear online.

I am off for a spa day in a couple of weeks’ time, to celebrate the 50th birthday of a gal pal.

I dug out my much loved swimsuit, bought on an online auction for £1 (and before you ask, yes, it was BNWT – I’m very far from wanting to wear pre-owned swimming costumes) and my fears were confirmed.

It has had it.

The lycra has stretched and perished so that patches of it are bald and transparent. Notably in the bosom department.

Its last outing was a trip to Indonesia in 2016 so it can’t say it hasn’t had an adventurous life. At its age (it’s about fourteen years old) it should have been consigned to the rag bag long ago.

I’ve loved it so much though. The halter neck tie and plunging neckline have been incredibly flattering whilst simultaneously supportive (like the best kind of partner, right?).

I feel so disloyal breaking up with it.

It’s been a long time since I bought any swimwear. Though I did purchase a pair of swim shorts for my Indonesian trip.

I’d never come across such a thing before, but I’d been sent a list of things I needed for the trip. Rash vest, swim shorts, hat… things to keep the sun off me.

I was used to buying things to attract the sun to as much of me as possible. That is the folly of youth.

Now, as I vigorously moisturise my décolletage each night in the hope of banishing sun damage, I rue the bloody day I happened across those string bikinis.

The swim shorts turned out to be a revelation. Comfy, well cut and high on the leg I felt like a professional shorts wearer.

I’m pretty sure just wearing the shorts turned me into a better kayaker.

The shorts were made by a company called CharmLeaks.

I’m still not sure why anybody would think this is a good name for a brand. But I enjoyed making quips about leaking my charms practically every day of that trip so maybe the marketing team had a point.

I’ve visited a number of sites now in the hope of finding something to wear in the spa which will look elegant, flattering and, well yes, a tiny bit sexy.

We might be celebrating a fiftieth birthday but we are still in the game!

And who knows who you might bump into on the way to the mud room!

Swimwear has become quite complex in recent years it turns out.

There’s the tankini. Again, I’m not sure about the name. Do I really want to be associated with a slow-moving, armoured vehicle?

And everything seems to come with ‘control panels.’ Do I want control panels? What are they controlling?

And at what point does ‘control’ become ‘crush?’

There’s a new language around swimsuits I just don’t understand.

What the hell does ‘closed back, kneeskin’ mean? ‘Boyleg,’ anyone?

I just stumbled across something called a ‘Fastskin.’ It retails at £329! At that price I don’t think I could begin to relax in the Celestial Relaxation room… And god alone knows what effect the herbal sauna would have on it.

There are swimsuits with inbuilt skirts. And swim skirts with inbuilt swim knickers.

There are padded, push up bikini bras, bandeau tops with ruffles and, at the opposite end of the spectrum, the cover all burkini.

Fabrics are described as ‘technical.’

The choice before me is dizzying. I’m sweating at the prospect of making a decision.

Let’s face it, I’m expecting this costume to last the next fourteen years.

I need that day in the spa to get over the stress of making this purchase.

Here’s to my leaky charms!



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      1. I’ll confess, Sam, to owning a few teddies, rescued from looking sad and unloved in charity shop windows, but, even so, I don’t envy them their furry tummies.

        Seriously, I know a mature lady blessed with a 36GG bust who almost gave up trying to find a one-piece that didn’t give the impression that her breasts emerged from the sea ten minutes before she did!

  1. The best kind of swimsuit I’ve seen is the type I saw people wearing at Arnaoutchot Camping Naturiste in southwestern France. May be worn by either men or women, colours and sizes to suit each individual, totally free and will last a lifetime if taken care of.

  2. Swim skirt with built in swim knickers, what’s that all about?! Some designers must have too much time on their hands.

  3. I’m having a similar dilemma – at 50, with a stomach that’s carried two children, skin not quite taut with a hint of cellulite……do I go for the two piece or one piece?

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